Perky Little Rumours

I must confess, (and for readers well-acquainted with the author, this will come as no surprise) – I am a huge worrier. I agonise over everything that has, can and will go wrong in life. For example, I’ve lately been tying myself in mental knots because I haven’t been sleeping properly at all. Ironically this is because I end up laying awake until three in the morning nervously mulling over all kinds of trivial shit.

Closely intertwined with my worries is a constant, insatiable hunger for new information, I love asking questions, and having some new concept explained in detail gives me such a glorious feeling of satisfaction. Take this video that takes a stab at trying to help the human mind comprehend the enormity of the cosmos, by pondering how many stars there are in space. And this youtube channel’s motto? ‘Stay curious!’ I can stick by that.

But sometimes, my starved mind picks up information and squirrels it away for later, only to stumble across data that totally contradicts the previous source of knowledge. What?! My head goes into a tailspin, and I just have to get to the truth of the matter.

So what’s been bugging me lately, you might ask?

According to a recently published book by ‘psychopharmocologist’ Dr. Julie Holland, ‘women who wear bras get saggier breasts than those who don’t.’

Strange. I’ve grown up hearing cautionary advice to support the opposite. In fact I vividly remember the painful night’s sleep I had at a friends sleepover, as a barely-adolescent, naive young version of myself. The source of my agony being a bra secured to its tightest fitting. I had solemnly refused to take it off, even to sleep, after my school friend lamented at length about the dangers of not wearing a bra, and getting ‘saggy tits when you’re older,’ as she put it. I was filled with horror, at the thought of what I imagined to look like two deflated balloons stapled to my chest.

I’ve matured somewhat now, and I’m a little less vain. It doesn’t really matter that much. I don’t think a women’s worth is at all found in how conventionally attractive her chest is. Their true purpose is to feed babies after all, it’s not the end of the world if someone’s boobs don’t mirror the perkiness of anime character’s. But my breasts are quite important to me personally. They’re a key part of 50% of what I’m wearing i.e. my top half – I want to be able to accentuate them proudly when I feel like it. There’s no denying how great perky boobs look in a tight little dress. Or even a simple vest. With the right support, boobs can look fantastic, no matter their size or shape.

But according to Dr. Holland I should be letting them roam free, in order preserve their pertness. Apparently, thanks to some research undertaken by Professor Jean-Denis Rouillon, involving the study of 320 women over a 15 year period, bras may actually reduce the effectiveness of ligaments present in breasts. Thus over time, if Rouillon’s research is at all credible, in due course bra-wearers could find that their boobs aren’t as perky as they used to be, after removing their bra at the end of the day, as the breasts are more reliant on the support provided by the bra.

Note: this research hasn’t been reviewed extensively by other experts, so the jury is still out on how accurate it is.

From this I’ve also been inspired to mull over how wearing the wrong size of bra could be more damaging than anything else. At the very least it’s painful. Why are some of you breasted people causing yourselves unnecessary pain?! If you’re hotly anticipating the moment you get home, (I see memes about this topic so often I want to scream), so you can whip off your bra, then you’re probably wearing the wrong size. A bra should be so comfy that it’s barely detectable. Go and get yourself properly measured, its often free in underwear stores, just ask!

Please don’t get me wrong though, I do understand that good, long-lasting and pocket-friendly bras are something of a holy grail. That’s something that needs to change, somehow. Although the better made something is, the more expensive it tends to be, as logically that’s financially viable. Maybe I’ll have a go at setting up a lingerie designing business later in life, to provide anyone with breasts with well-made but affordable bras.

Additionally, although I don’t light up myself, I’ve seen some research providing evidence that smoking can apparently reduce elastin in breast supporting ligaments, so perhaps giving up smoking is another way to stay perky. (Just another addition to the myriad reasons to give it up really.)

But after some thought, what I really believe has contributed to the longevity of my third shelf and its perkiness, is any exercise that targets and tones the chest area. People with boobs should regularly work their pecks too, don’t be afraid to grab a dumbbell, or do some push ups – worry not, you’re not going to end up with a ridiculously chiselled chest. Even simple pilates moves that work the chest are going to help – add them to your fitness regime!

But back to Dr. Holland’s claims. Overall, I’m curious. So I’m going to experiment with both camps. Freedom for the ladies for a week or so, then old-fashioned brassiere support. Lets see what happens. I’ll compare and get back to you. Watch this space…

So. My boob-orientated worries have been assuaged for now.

…Ah, but wait a minute. Is that book also arguing against ‘shaving too much’?…


3 thoughts on “Perky Little Rumours

  1. In all honesty, there’s an absolute horde of scientific arguments like these. They always seem to be about shit only a simpleton would even consider researching. Okay, well maybe a scientist that’s bored, drunk and high would consider things like researching coffee’s impact on the body, bras impact on the jibblies (^-^) and other pointless researches.
    Makes me ponder about the frightful harrowing that would happen if the world decided to take this time actually progressing the collective human species instead of dicking around with shit like this.
    Will we ever learn? : /


    1. I suppose if they stumble across some new way to fight breast cancer potentially, during the research, then some good would come of it.
      Personally, I was just curious about the impact of bras, since of course, humanity didn’t always wear them. And there seems to be fascination with extending the longevity of a women’s ‘youthful appearance.’


      1. Hasn’t humanity always pursued the idea of “Eternal _____________[you fill in the blank]” since the dawn of time?
        I always hear people say, “I wish I still looked/ did/ could do that.” I think it has to do with people’s desire to stay within somewhere secure.
        Maybe ‘familiar’ would be a better word, possibly ‘ideal’? I’m uncertain, but I hope you get the gist of what I’m trying to say.


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